Letting Go of Should
Let’s talk about living in a world of should. Such a seemingly harmless word. You say it all the time, you hear it all the time. BUT… do you ever listen? Do you ever feel the “should” in your body?
Never thought about that have you? That’s ok. Neither had I until I started looking deeper at being nice to myself.
Should weaves a tangled web
It keeps us from just being. I’m sure its a famous quote somewhere, you hear people say it all the time - we are human beings, not human doings. But let’s be honest… we do a lot more “doing” than “being”. When was the last time you let yourself just be? Probably the last time you “should” yourself. Am I right? Speaking from experience here! No judgement.
I lived in a constant world of should. I should: work harder, do my stretches, get up earlier, workout more, eat better, watch less TV, go outside into the sun, I should, I should, I should. Can you guess where that got me? Read that again and feel it in your body. Feels icky doesn’t it? That’s exactly where it got me! It feels awful in your body and of course your mind; nothing you are EVERY doing is good enough. You are constantly beating yourself up. If you are at your computer working, I should be taking a break. If you are taking a break watching TV, I should be reading a book. If you are reading a book, I should turn out the lights and go to bed. Do you see the cycle? You (your mind/ego) can be so hard on yourself. Your natural state is joy… doesn’t look like there is much room in your being for joy with that mindset, eh?
How to release the shoulds
Radical thought - stop trying to release the shoulds! Because if you are trying, you are probably continuing to should yourself. Instead, I invite you to just acknowledge that you are doing it, and reframe. I am glad I get to lay in bed this extra 5 / 10 / 15 minutes, I am really enjoying this show and then I will get back to work, I bet if I start with some small body movements I will get motivated to workout and if not its just not my day, maybe a walk instead. Can you see that simple shift in mindset? How it opens you up to more possibility, and more importantly to less berating yourself.
These are small almost imperceptible shifts that I am working on with you. And while they may seem very small to us now, they are ripples and then waves in our energy. We are signalling to the Universe (Source, God, Infinite Wisdom, Whatever You Want To Call It) that we are open to a higher vibration. When we send out those higher vibrations, that is what we receive in return. It is only within our negative low vibrations that we constantly attract the like. Ever find that when you feel you are in a “rut” that things just get worse, and worse, and you can see no way out? Your energy and vibration have lowered, so the energy around you is (unfortunately) also lowering to meet you where you are at. You don’t have to take my word for it. Try it for a week, even a day. Make subtle shifts in your mindset and see how the world around you responds.
When you remove the shoulds, what possibilities open up for you?
Like everything else, this is a constant practice. We are conditioned to see through a lens of fear. Gabby Bernstein is very famous for writing that we have 2 options; to see the world through a lens of love or fear. Our natural state is joy and love, but our conditioned state is fear. We hold onto these fears. We let fear guide us. I would say “should” is a fear word. It keeps us small, keeps us seeing and living in a world that is not led by love. How can it be if we are constantly beating ourselves up with what we “should” be doing. In a world through the lens of love we let ourselves be. We allow ourselves to be guided into that intuitive lifestyle. Following what feels good in our being, not what causes us pain and sore. I know very dramatic sounding, but remember when we talked about fight or flight? Our bodies do not know! Our bodies are responding that dramatically. So every “should” is a mini attack on our physical wellbeing, nervous system, mental and emotional wellbeing. A lifetime of shoulds… well again, you be the judge.
So, next time you want to should yourself; ie. use the fear lens to point out why you aren’t good enough in this moment, pause and reframe. Throw on the old love lens glasses and replace should with something kinder and gentler to your being. Pretend you were coaching a friend or loved one, what would you say to them? Try saying that to yourself. I can almost guarantee that you would never talk to your friend or give the advice that you give to yourself. How do I know this? Do you have any idea how many people, since I started this self-acceptance, self-praise journey in the last 2 or 3 weeks have pointed out how hard I am on myself? I know EXACTLY what a lifetime of shoulds can do to your being and body. I’m living it. Only in releasing that story (ok, working on releasing that story), and showing myself some love and compassion have I really learned my greatest lessons, and I can guarantee that I am not less productive or missing goals because I chose to lay in a snow bank, or read a book in the morning, or eat that cookie instead of an apple. If anything, I am more inspired and more ambitious to go after what I want and be the best version of myself, which in turn gives me far more energy than 10 cups of coffee and burning the midnight oil ever could!
“No act of kindness is too small. The gift of kindness may start as a small ripple that over time can turn into a tidal wave affecting the lives of many.”
—Kevin Heath
I hope this can inspire you to be kinder to yourself. I hope I gave you some nuggets to think about.
Much love 🤍✌🏻