Integrating and Inner Child Work
Let’s talk one of my least favourite activities… integrating. You know that thing we talk about in yoga where we take savasana so that our “bodies can integrate” all the movements and shifts we have made? Did you know that we are literally supposed to do that with anything even remotely profound with our lives?!
The other day I go to my counsellor (remember I hold no shame here – haha, one of the few places and choose to talk openly about all this) and we were doing a trauma therapy practice. Now don’t panic, it’s very similar to EFT / tapping, and if you haven’t heard of either, remember trauma is different in everybody. So, I do what is called EMDR, you can look it up, it’s magical. We reprocess memories that I have that are of high emotional response. Let’s be clear, reprocess doesn’t mean that you fake it until you make it; in an expedited fashion you work through and process all your emotions around this memory until it no longer triggers you. So, you are actually reprocessing for a healthy, complete version of the memory. Almost more like “fully process”, but it’s a memory, so you need to reprocess. Make sense? Again, look it up if not. Moving on… I go to sit with my counsellor to work on this memory, and because you are feeling all the things, you end up sometimes down a rabbit whole. At this time, I am very aware of my inner child, how angry she is (remember back to this?), how much she has been appearing recently, and how badly she wants Freedom and Acknowledgment.
How do I know it’s her?
Ok great question! First, I can see her! I can see her in my face, in my eyes. I recognize her as a part of me, but upon staring into a mirror I also know it’s “not me”. Because I am in tune with myself through meditating and all the modalities and treatment I receive, I can tell the difference between ME and other energies or versions of me. Also, I have felt her energy before, it’s very heavy and constricting. I can recognize her after feeling her stomp her feet in my Vagus nerve treatment. I also have had a few other meditations revolving around her, so I a very aware recently of her.
Why do I say “her”?
I know she (my inner child) is a part of me, but I don’t always resonate fully with her feelings, with the anger and resentment, and need for acknowledgement that she has. Sometimes when memories come up, I see them from a removed perspective; but I feel a grip of emotion. Like I am feeling it, but it doesn’t always affect me. This is very hard to describe, but if you know, you know. So I have begun to refer to my inner child, little Lindsay as “her”. Because she is a part of me, an aspect of my being, but does not define me.
What does any of this have to do with integrating?
Wrapping up my session, my counsellor pointed out how profound my realizations were, and how deep the work I had done was. She basically gave me a prescription of self-care upon leaving. As in literally said, “take it easy today, and really do some heavy self-care”. So, what happened when I got home? Ok, need to go for my walk, then I should shower, then I need to look at my action list, then, then, should. Do you see the pattern there? First off, I have once again turned my fun nature time into a should, introduced a bunch of other shoulds, and left myself no down time! I left absolutely no time to actually integrate the massive shifts that were made in my emotional and physical body. This session affected me HUGE. I could feel the weight and pain released from my body after speaking about these things, I could feel the constricting emotions loosen, and I was fully prepared to go back to my normal routine. I had basically just had emotional surgery to remove an aspect of self and left no time for healing! Would you get surgery and then pick up where you left off? I realized this is how I need to look at not only this scenario, but my entire healing. How often do I over book myself in an attempt to rush through the healing process? Ever try to get a chiropractic adjustment and then go back to sitting at your desk all day, or commute, or be present to show up for others? Sounds wrong just thinking about it right? But we have been so conditioned to go, go, go, and undervalue self-care, that even the most (overly) self-aware slip back into old habits and patterns. I had a family member tell me one time that habits do not exist, it was just a lazy excuse. Tell that to all the people writing books and making money and struggling to “break habits”. Again, everyone is different.
Why is integrating important?
The same reason any healing is important. Your mind and body are resilient yes, but fragile – in my opinion. Your human being needs time to adjust and accept the changes. Also, being aware of things like ancestral and intergenerational lineage, sometimes in a seemingly small release there is a lot of deep healing that occurs, that affect a lot of heavy energy. Integrating is important to really let these changes, releases, etc resonate with your whole being. You may emotionally be over something, but your physical body still feels the pain. You may be spiritually detached, but you still hold emotions over a situation. To keep yourself whole and intact (at least until you can become one of the great spiritual leaders that are separate from their body), you must be mindful of the wellbeing of your entire being.
Integrating just gets added to the list of practices. Things that you can constantly work on. One of my biggest goals right now, and probably “forever” is now integrating her, my inner child, helping her to heal and release, but also acknowledging she is a part of me. Good luck to all of us that are on the same path!
Much Love 🤍
** Just a reminder that I am neither a doctor or a mental health professional, these opinions and experiences are my personal ones and should not be taken as medical advice. Just sharing my story to speak up and reduce the stigma of mental health and self-care.