The In Betweens
As humans in this experience, we are the creators of our own reality. In this reality, there is this magical space that exists when we are creating something new. Somewhere between the what is or what was, and the what is to come. In speaking of it, it seems like a logical simple place, somewhere that we all probably reside, the current moment. But is it really that simple? Are we really that comfortable in the current moment? I know I’m not!
“Honour the space between no longer and not yet. “
⁃ Nancy Levin
This was a really great quote in a course I’m taking, it honestly describes me perfectly. It should be my forever affirmation. I’m TERRIBLE at the in between space! I have zero patience for things coming to be, and often do not love the steps involved in that space. I recognize it as a theme that plays out in my life over and over. The most recent was probably the sale of my house. The urge to sell my house was one of those divinely guided processes. I knew it was time, and the process of actually selling it was simple, streamlined, “aligned”. However, I had tenants, which therefore means an extended closing period. Which also means for the most part, you have sold your house on paper, and nothing happens for months! Although it was in complete alignment, selling this house was a big deal for me. It was closing a huge chapter of my life. I believe it really symbolized leaving a lot of older parts of me behind. In typical me fashion… whenever someone congratulated me on selling my house I said, “ya its cool, but it’s not really done yet, it’s not like I have the money or anything to show for it, I’m not really moving or anything”. HONESTLY GIRL!! How many people can even say they have a house to sell! How many can sell and not need to “upgrade” in a sellers’ market… get your shit together! But that was my mindset. I need to get the house closed so I can pay off that line of credit, my credit card, do some renos to our current house, have some financial freedom to figure out my business, have some breathing space, etc. I left absolutely no space to just live in the moment. To just enjoy the process of right now.
If you are anything like me, you spend a lot of time doing, maybe you have moved further from the nasty shoulds, but you are always still “doing”. Doing the work, doing the healing, doing the workout, doing the meditation, doing the day job, etc… you don’t spend a lot of time between your tasks just being.
If I think back some of my most magical lessons have come when I have done less – I know that sounds counter-intuitive. How is anything supposed to happen if I’m not doing anything? Haha – I’m not saying don’t ever be actively “doing”, just make more space in between for being. If you have worked out hard, have you given your body a break in between to integrate? If you have meditated and “not gotten anything out of it”, have you tried to meditate for a. shorter time and leave yourself a chance to journal or sit outside with a coffee / tea? If you go straight from work to mom (dad, partner, spouse, etc) life… making dinner, cleaning up, prepping everyone else for bed, and then just flop in your own; have you left your being a chance to decompress and get ready for a restful sleep?
If you are constantly running from one activity to another you don’t leave space for those beautiful lessons or messages to come through. You are just running from one thing to another. This is not to say that you need to leave time for everything to “integrate”. However, when you feel a little stuck, let down, lost, overwhelmed – maybe just take a second to breathe. Go on that morning, lunch, after dinner walk. Take a second after work before going back in the house to stand in the front (or back) yard, take your shoes off, take a few deep breathes in and out to re-centre and ground.
Back to the house…
That consumed my entire summer! Instead of being excited for all that was to come, I was focused on when it would happen. Dipping back down into that low vibrational state, that panic, that worry – not outright, but I know I was there, I could feel it… I started to get moodier, my chronic pains flared up, I managed to manifest a complete cluster and delay in the closing of the house. This “rarely happens” the lawyer says, I “never see this”. I know you don’t, you don’t normally have someone so committed to self-sabotage on the other side – yikes! On the outside I was relaxed about the process, it will be fine, everything will work out; on the inside I was freaking the f**k out! I was right back to my waiting for the shoe to drop mentality. Noon rolls around on the closing day, its ok it will just take time, 3pm, 4pm the lawyer calls, this is what is happening, is another day ok? Day 2 rolls around, noon, 1pm, 2pm, I’m trying to keep myself busy, I do not deserve this, but isn’t it exactly what I asked for? Didn’t I from the beginning truly believe I was not worth the money? Down to the wire, 5pm on a Friday, right before I would have to decide if I scraped the deal and went back to market, it closes, the funds are there, everyone’s happy – accept me. I was so caught up in the end result and my own worth, that I couldn’t just enjoy the process. I was never looking forward to what could be, just focused on if it would happen, and did I deserve to have the money for what I wanted.
I let that be the final moment that I would ever self-sabotage. Now I’m not saying I’m perfect, or that it won’t happen again. I’m currently realizing as I write this that I’m doing it again with something else. Have an idea and want a result, I’m practically incapable of just living in the process. I can see so many moments of my life that have been the exact same. So many moments where my inability to just live in the moment or enjoy the process has really made things harder than they need to be. I’m getting this thrown in my face in a lot of simple ways right now… a delayed ottoman, a rug that disappeared. So focused on completing the picture that I cannot just relax and enjoy the progress that was already made. If they are delayed it wasn’t streamlined – is this a message from the Universe that it’s not for me? Good lord girl, no! It’s a message to calm the F down! Take a breath! Things are perfect as they are in this moment. Stop rushing the process. Think how boring life would be if things really just happened at the drop of a hat. There would be no room for magic.
So for all of us pushers out there, I feel you. I invite you to ask yourself, am I safe in this moment? If the answer is yes, can I just enjoy it?