Releasing Fear, the Need to Control the Outcome, and Surrendering
This sounds like the title to a terrible romcom movie or a self-help book. I prefer to think of it as the journey to reconnecting and finding your fulfillment. As we talked about previously, when you move beyond societal standards and start living in the abstract, measuring your success by FEELS like vs. LOOKS like; you might struggle with “reaching your goals”.
Here is my secret to reaching those goals…. Forget about them!
Make your goals and forget about them. If you cling to tightly to the outcome, or the fear that you don’t deserve your desires you don’t leave space for the wonderful things that can come through as the Universe / God / Source / WhateverYouWantToCallIt’s version of meeting your “goal”. Sometimes, most times, there is something so much better out there for you than what your rational mind can comprehend. If you play too small and focus so much on controlling the steps to get to your goals, you may miss all the fun – which was the journey itself.
Don’t believe me? Allow me to give you an example. Aka, my life and my expedited “evolution”.
Old Me: Working 12 to 14-hour days, climbing the ladder, wanting to live “in the city” in the hustle and bustle, going out all the time, fancy restaurants and diners, hanging out with friends, nice clothes, fun vacations. Still barely able to pay my rent, tired, angry, stomach ulcers, all masked by “living the dream”. Constantly striving.
Still Old Me, revising “the dream”: This sounds so fancy, I want to work here. I want to travel all over the country. I want the fancy car. I love buying expensive clothes. I need a partner to adventure with. I want to go on fancy vacations. I can only make money climbing the ladder. I have to buy a house, everyone owns houses to “make it”.
Barely hanging on by a thread Old Me: This is my dream job, in my dream location. Maybe I want to live here. I need a partner who can do this (insert manly task) for me. I need a fancy vehicle to commute. I should move. I need a vacation. I don’t want to live like these people. I am stretched so thin this is not “the life”. I want more time to teach yoga and be “of service”. My body is in constant pain, what am I striving for. I need to [check these boxes]. Que: mystery illness.
In Progress Me: Well… I got everything I asked for…
To clarify what “everything I asked for” looked like – as it was not rainbows and lollipops:
I got the house, then I had to evict some tenants because they were awful human beings, leaving me in a place where I could barely afford it. Realizing I was not moving anywhere on my own.
I got the vehicle… I had to get a new vehicle. Mine kept quitting on the side of the road while I was commuting.
I found my dream partner. But it took extremely sad and life altering experience to bring us together.
I got more freedom in my schedule… I had to quit my job. I was in so much pain I couldn’t move for 2 months. I had to make the choice to heal or deal with it.
I didn’t have to do everything on my own anymore. Well, turns out I had to fully rely on others and learn to ask for help because: I was in pain and couldn’t fend for myself, because I didn’t have a job, because my house wouldn’t take care of itself, because people pleasing and not being able to speak up for myself were 2 of my biggest blocks.
I thought buying “things” made me happy. Turns out I didn’t have a dime to spare, living month to month (even though I was lucky to be housed and fully supported) always just having “enough” to pay my bills no room for any extravagant purchases of things I thought I needed for the life I thought I wanted.
I had to take a really long and hard look at my life and what I actually want it to look like. What I actually need to be happy.
I had to start the process to healing my full being, healing my stories, healing my mindsets, being happy and ok with myself as I am.
Current Me: I have no idea what is next, but I am following this because it makes me happy.
To be honest, of course the fear comes up: I am not doing enough, I am not making enough money, I am not contributing enough to the world, I am not doing what I “should” be doing, etc. But when I look back at what all my “goal setting” and controlling got me, I’m like – yikes!
Now I honour the flow. I know that I have met the goals of how I want to feel. When I look back at those first few counselling sessions – ok fine, she reminded me when I was having a “poor me” week; I have met all those true goals for my fulfilment. A partner that is loving, kind, supportive, funny, likes me for who I am, is a safe space for me. The freedom to honour my energy, make time for myself and be of service. The ability to manage my time so I can heal and live my best life. The appreciation that I cannot “fill the void” with empty purchases… those fancy clothes, most of them have been donated! Knowing that I do not need butt loads of money to be happy, I have managed to just scrape by because I have now learned, and truly believe it was a lesson for me to learn what I really “need” vs. “want”. But I am done scraping by mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. I have surrendered my control and place my faith in something bigger than me.
If you read back through the above – as confusing as it may sound, the takeaway is: when I was fully controlling the situation and focused on external things for my happiness I was on a downward spiral. Once I started to (was forced to) focus more on how I felt, how I wanted to feel and rate my fulfillment levels as the most important, my life took a drastic change. Things come in ways that I never could have expected or imagined, because I am no longer so focused on what the achievement has to look like, the most important part is how I feel day to day, moment by moment.