Goal Setting for Living in the Abstract
Firstly, what is living in the abstract?
My personal definition is living outside conditioned standards and programmed “normals”. You are living more for feelings than check box accomplishments. Living for your fulfillment as opposed to people pleasing. Most likely this also includes a lot of people looking at you sideways because you aren’t “doing things the way you should”. Does this make sense? Hope so, if not it should by the end of this journal entry 🤣
How do you set goals when you are living in the abstract? You are not trying to achieve societal standards, or accomplishments that can be measured against the “norms”? You are not looking to check boxes. You are just looking to make yourself happy!
JOURNAL!
Honestly, I must say the best way for me to hold myself accountable for my own goals and fulfillment is by journaling (ok and therapy – but let’s get into that another day).
As my goals to lead to my fulfilment are not: become CEO, make 8-figure salary, have Muskoka cottage, jet boat, Whistler ski chalet, etc… I have a hard time knowing when I have “gotten there”. When I first started to reconnect with self, and first started counseling, I really had my priorities all messed up. Seriously I did. I was trying to measure my accomplishments by others’ ideals of what success looks like. I was looking for fulfillment in all the wrong places, instead of getting clear on what MY version of success and fulfillment feels like.
It took me a while, and some brutally honest reflection to realize my needs for fulfillment are: freedom, happiness, fun. Sounds ridiculous right? Also come on, how do you measure that? Well in case you are struggling with the same “lack of fulfillment” that I was here are some ideas:
✧ Freedom: making my own schedule, ability to time block and go with the flow, changing schedules day by day, ability to carve out time for my walks, morning at the water, working from bed
✧ Happiness: having fun and freedom
✧ Fun: adventures, walks in the bush, connecting with nature, coffee with a friend, hanging with my nieces and nephews, chilling with my husband, laying under the tress reading
Let’s break these down…
Freedom
This means something different to everyone, and this was a key factor in me figuring out what my “goals” were. I realized that I do not need to make all the money, be the fancy boss; I just need enough to give me my freedom. Go where I want, when I want. Make my own schedule. Stop at a coffee shop when I’m out doing errands. BAM, I’m free and happy. Does that sound too simple and airy fairy to you? That’s ok! Remember we are all different. Your version of freedom and mine should be different, that is what makes the human experience beautiful. Maybe your idea of Freedom is owning a boat and being out on the water. Owning a cottage and escaping the city. Making all the money to jet set around the world. Having a tiny shed on a small patch of land where you can grow your own food. I respect whatever you need to feel free. I also remind you that maybe Freedom is not one of your “needs for fulfilment”. This was a top priority for me during a counseling session. Maybe for you “making money”, “having ___” is actually a need for fulfillment. You do you!
Fun
Ok this one was a struuuuuuugle! With a capital S and lots of exaggerated eye rolls!!
I spent a lot of time saying things like:
✧ I can’t have fun, I don’t have enough money to go anywhere or do anything.
✧ I can’t have fun, I should be doing something productive
✧ I can’t have fun, there’s too many people walking that trail look at the parking lot.
✧ I can’t have fun, the world is locked down where am I supposed to go?
✧ I can’t have fun, I don’t even know what that looks like anymore
Sounds kind of pathetic, doesn’t it? Lots of excuses. But when your mindset is in that down and depressed state you honestly are not sure what fun even means to you, and you cannot see a way out! However, as I learned, by making these excuses I wasn’t even leaving space for fun, or to explore what fun might look like! I was completely blocking myself, completely failing before I had even begun!
Now I have learned to bring a little bit of fun into every activity I do through simply adjusting my mindset.
✧ Uplifting music or my fave podcast during chores
✧ Time block so I know how long I am working then being “rewarded” with a break
✧ Get outside during my breaks
✧ If it’s something I’m not fond of, ask: what is this teaching me? How is this contributing to my development?
✧ When I show up at that trail and think “there are too many cars in the parking lot” I go anyways, and guess what… I never run into a soul!
✧ Remind myself… laying outside under the trees reading is my idea of FUN!
The biggest thing I have done to bring more fun into my life, is remind myself that my idea of fun is not the same as everyone else! I do not need to go sky diving, downhill mountain biking, have extravagant 10-course dinners, drink a beers and party all night to have fun. Being outside in nature, doing what I want, living on my own schedule is my absolute version of my best life, and therefore my idea of fun.
At the end of the day…
When I am having a really bad day, being extremely hard on myself and struggling with “Am I doing enough?” “Am I accomplishing my goals? Etc… I remind myself, I have worked hard to: a) figure out what I need for fulfillment, b) I have all the above accomplished. And most importantly c) I have tried the other route, it left me sick, miserable, and always striving for more.
When you are living in the abstract (a place I define as beyond societal norms / standards) it can be hard to remember not to look for boxes to check. You are measuring your success by FEELS like rather than LOOKS like. This was an important distinction I learned to make in counseling. I honestly do not know if I could have learned it otherwise. When I first started talking about what I wanted in my life it was freedom, the ability to do what makes me happy, supporting small local business, intentional giving, pain free, a loving supportive relationship. Now did I think that I would have to make such dramatic life changes for all this to happen? Of course not. That is why releasing fear, the need to control the outcome, and surrendering is so important. But that is a topic for another time.