Chronic Pain and Emotions
Ok people we are going big here, all out. This is one of those take it or leave it topics, another one that I probably never fully believed or put much stock into until I truly experienced it. But we are going to talk about the correlation between your emotions, mostly your stuck or conditioned beliefs and how they effect your physical body.
This isn’t a phenomenon I’m pulling out of my behind, so if my explanation doesn’t do it for you, leave it. If it does resonate with you then here are some sources, and my personal experience. Eckhart Tolle calls it the pain body, a podcaster I listen to calls them emotional bean bags. I ended up calling it stress induced trauma, as that is something I was hearing from my practitioners. These are all different names for your emotions that start to physically manifest.
** Ok side note before we get into this: by no means are my personal thoughts on this subject meant to mitigate any disease or illness you are suffering from, this is just a different perspective you could bring to what you may be going through.
Some of you may or may not know I have suffered with back pain for a significant period of time, then it became a consistent aching shoulder pain, culminating in a debilitating pain in my leg. As I made some drastic changes to my lifestyle, and started a lot of physically rehabilitation, these pains became less constant, but never went away. I have worked hard on my presence and mental state, but I never fully got a lot of the concepts that the mindfulness world sort of throws out at you. So even though I have slowly begun to feel better, I was still in some state of fight or flight because I was still suffering on a deeper level, with some unknown conditioning that was running my thought patterns.
It wasn’t until recently, when working with a life coach*, that I really started to get into some of these deeper concepts; that positivity mindset. With a better understanding of myself, to be one thousand percent honest, these pains have literally disappeared. Gone. Pretty much overnight. I just realized one day they were not there. Now of course this is also strange too, because my body was so used to feeling these pains so I was in another constant state of waiting, where did the pain go? It couldn’t really be gone? Its taken a few months for me to let go of waiting for the pain to return, because honestly the mind is all to excited to put us back into these states we are comfortable living in.
So back to what I mean about these emotional releases…
It was really only once they disappeared that I was really aware of when they re-appear. Take the mystery pain in my leg for example. I had to do some really deep “soul searching”, addressing my inner child / younger me while working with that life coach. When I noticed a few days where I was feeling a little overwhelmed and stressed, a little shoved back in the box, I started to realize there was a throbbing in my leg. Of course at the time I wasn’t aware of the stress I was feeling. It started with a little headache, feeling achy. I noticed, ugh my shoulder is pinched up again - whatever. Then I got the throb in my leg and I was like, woah! Hold on! What’s going on here? Yes, this is the actual conversation I had with myself. I stopped in my tracks when I noticed and began asking myself, what’s up? What do you need me to know? I know that sounds cheesy, and I don’t disagree with you. I had the same thoughts and feeling about a lot of this before I experienced it. Spirituality, while I love it, has become a little trendy, so some of the concepts have become a little cheesy to me, or maybe always were. While I do have a belief in something bigger than me, a certain amount of trust that everything is working in my favour, I am still very realistic, very rooted in this life. I am very conceptual, but also very pragmatic. Meaning, that I do not resonate with a lot of this: just think yourself happy, believe it into existence, what is the silver lining in this situation, maybe you just need to find the positive in this situation. If you are that person, no shade. I have certainly had those concepts land for me in a different way, and I can certainly look back on my life and see how so many of my experiences really were for my benefit, or to put me back in alignment to my path. However, I do not feel that if we are unhappy in a situation we have to just look for the positive in it - all the time! That is not the solution. It is ok to be unhappy, it is ok to be unsettled. What I found the difference to be, is that you cannot wallow in that state, but you also cannot use positivity as an excuse and bypass why the emotions are there. You can be unhappy with your job, and you do not have to force yourself to enjoy it, or see all the positives that it brings you. If you want to, just be unhappy. But the difference I noticed is, you do not have to live in one state or another, always positive and in love with your job, or totally negative and unhappy about it. You can decide the situation no longer suits you, and you are looking for an out one moment, AND enjoy working with your coworkers, have a good experience with a customer, love leaving the house. Then look at what about your situation makes you unhappy. For me, I know its not the job, so I cannot force myself to be happy with the situation, because it wouldn’t matter what “job” it was. Its not my purpose, its not fulfilling my purpose. What makes me unhappy is actually being on someone else’s timeline, its working with a certain person because of the emotions they bring up for me that is related to an emotional trigger for me, something my younger self needs addressed. So I know on a deeper level what it is that makes me unhappy, I don’t just blame the job, or the coworker, I know what it is in ME that makes the situation unaligned. Which is the actual key to making the situation something that I can work through. I am not bypassing the emotions by telling myself I have to be grateful for the job, the money it brings, the whatever else. I also am not bypassing the emotions by just blaming the job for why I am unhappy. I have looked at what that situation represents for me and found the deeper emotions that it triggers. With this awareness - this irritating, ever present awareness; I can look at so many previous and current situations and really figure out the basis for my reactions to many situations. Then, like I said, I can see how those manifest for me. When I am stressed, which I define basically as any persisting negative emotions for me - as stress is the emotion I most easily identify, my physical breakdown follows the same pattern: stomach issues, I have problems digesting and extra bloating; tired and persistent headache, this is mild and I’m not usually aware of it right away; tight, locked shoulder, a discomfort that keeps me from being comfortable, as if my shoulder is locked to my ear; then the big guns… the leg or pelvic pain, this is reserved (now) for when I am really oblivious and not addressing my emotions.
On the topic of addressing my emotions:
This does not always mean a personal therapy session between me, myself and I; or an emotional breakdown or whatever you might be picturing addressing your emotions means. It literally means a pause, where I notice that I’m off, and I question myself. What’s up? What do I really feel? Why do I feel this? What do you want to tell me? Its often not overly earth shattering, and often quite simple. But some younger version of me has been upset or triggered by a situation and is reacting, not being addressed and turning whatever caught my negative attention into a big deal. Because of this I journal - a lot. I actually also talk to myself, a lot. Both of these allow me to really let it go. I love meditating, but sometimes that just lets the thoughts and emotions swirl in my head. Whereas a good journalling session, or a walk where I’m basically talking to myself allows me to get it all out. I’m the type that gets a really hard hit of emotions and then needs time to work it out. Whether that be to talk it out, or just give it time to settle and become clear; I have found that journalling or talking it out with myself is sometimes my best option because then I do not need to make sense. A big thing that became clear to me in doing this inner child / younger me work, was how uncomfortable I am with expressing emotions because I am always afraid of how it will make others feel, how it will inconvenience them. Working it out with myself, like a conversation with my inner being allows me to not feel guilty for feeling whatever I am feeling. It allows me to not feel ridiculous when I cannot put into words what I am feeling. It allows me time to work through my emotions.
All of these addressed and felt emotions were truly the key to unlocking my physical pain.
All the unaddressed, unspoken, unfelt emotions were just festering in my physical being. All conditioned thoughts that were vying for attention anytime I was emotional or something triggered an unresolved situation. So many different emotions would come hurdling at me all at once when I was upset because they all saw a window of opportunity to have a moment to shine. Which of course was truly unhelpful when I was trying to get to the bottom of why a situation upset me. For example, I learned recently that it was not what people were saying to me, what we were discussing, or even why, that would make me upset, it was literally the tone in which they would address me. The second there was an elevated tone, it would shut me off. You know that voice a parent uses when scolding a child. When someone speaks to me in that tone, I immediately shut down. I don’t hear another word they say, my walls go up and its over. I cannot discuss with them how I feel, why I’m upset or what is going on for me. Its over. I have fully retreated and only then can time let me process and come out of that flight state. I know that now, I never knew that before. So someone asking me in the moment why I was upset left me panicked and scrambling to express emotions. Now I know to ask for time, to express that I may not be upset at someone or with someone, but just need time to process and sort through my emotions. Because I cannot properly express myself in the moment if I am worried about how upset someone else might be, because my emotions are “too much” for the moment, often meant that many situations would be left unresolved and therefore again those emotions would fester in my physical body and become pain, or some form of dis-ease.
Ok, I’m going to draw the line there. Sometimes I know I can get carried away with my story telling so I do not want us to loose the point here. Yes, sometimes physical pain can just be that. And listen, I am a huge proponent for not always looking for a deeper meaning in every situation, this has become exhausting for me! But, if you are living in a state that you do not love, you are looking for a change, you are ready for something different. There could be a deeper meaning to whatever physical reaction you are experiencing, and it is ok to no longer want to live with a chronic pain. It becomes so easy for us to be comfortable living that way, to be used to it, but you deserve better. You deserve your best life. Yes, it can be a lot of work. It really is difficult to live out of your comfort zone, which often includes whatever conditioned mindsets or physical symptoms you are used to experiencing. But it is ok to want better, to want different. And it is definitely ok to be irritated with the process along the way!
Where to begin?
Set all your fears of the woo-woo aside, just ask the pain. Ya I know, cray-cray. But like a child, sometimes your pain (as it most likely just a festering unresolved emotion from a younger version of you) just wants to be addressed. Ask it: What are you trying to tell me? Feel into it. The concept of addressing the pain body, or “emotional bean bags” is to really see beyond the physical. So even give it a shape, size, colour, see what emotion is at the heart of the physical pain. If you don’t feel safe doing this on your own, or something way bigger and suppressed than you can safely deal with alone comes up - seek professional guidance, there is no shame in needing help, especially when starting this emotional journey. Questions, let me know? I would love to discuss this further! Or again you can look up some Eckhart Tolle videos/books, or The Lively Show podcast.
If you made it all the way to the end, I really hope this gave you a little something - sending you so much love.
*Another side note, this one on life coaching. This is not meant to offend, but I did not believe in “coaching”. Yes, I see a therapist and all sorts of other modalities for healing, but as coaching is an unregulated industry I never really trusted it. Which of course is not fair, because a few questionable practitioners or methods should not discredit an entire modality. Just like everything else, do your research. Make sure that you feel comfortable with the person you are going to start a program with, but I will no longer discredit a professional regardless of their accreditation (or lack of). Life experience and living your own path is just as important as going to school and learning about a profession. Now of course not everything can be so willy-nilly, but when it comes to life learning and getting help on your journey, don’t be shy. Don’t judge if this person has “studied” or not, if they have lived and processed a journey that you are struggling with, do not worry about picking them as a mentor for that experience.